Mascot Mayhem Monday - Tank

🐂 TANK THE LONGHORN

Official Mascot of the San Antonio Outlaws (Football)
Nickname: “The Horned Hurricane” | “Sir Stomps-a-Lot” | “Moo-d Swing King”

📜 ORIGIN STORY

Tank emerged not from a petting zoo or parade—but from chaos. Born during a hailstorm in the middle of a high school championship game at Mission Park Field, Tank bodychecked the opposing team’s mascot through a concession stand before the national anthem finished. The Outlaws, on a losing streak, took it as a sign. They adopted him immediately, gave him a custom jersey, and watched the wins roll in.

He’s not just a mascot. He’s a menace in horns and hooves. A turf-churning, crowd-surfing, snack-devouring legend.

🧬 BIO STATS

• Height: 6'5" in cleats

• Weight: 1,400 lbs of vengeance and stadium snacks

• Horn Span: 7 feet (can knock over Gatorade tables just by turning his head)

• Diet: Nachos, soft pretzels, regret

• Theme Song: “Kickstart My Heart” by Mötley Crüe

• Zodiac Sign: Taurus. No notes.

• Emotional Range: Somewhere between “raging bull” and “dad watching game film”

💥 SIGNATURE MOVES

• Stampede Charge: Crowd-clearing sprint across the field after touchdowns. May or may not knock over cheerleaders.

• Ref Toss: Caught on camera throwing a penalty flag back at an official. Went viral.

• Horn Shake of Disapproval: Intimidating and slightly judgmental. Mostly directed at Brett Thompson.

• Tail Flick Salute: For the fans. Causes minor wind gusts.

👥 PLAYER & WAG CONNECTIONS

• Dean Smith: Best friend. Dean talks to Tank like a person. Tank listens. They once headbutted a goalpost together in celebration.

• Dylan Thompson: Decorated Tank’s horns in gold fairy lights for the wedding. Tank wore them proudly. Knocked over four tables during the reception.

• Brett Thompson: Rival. Brett once tried to prank Tank with a glitter bomb. Tank retaliated by locking Brett in a port-a-potty mid-practice.

• Zoey Daniels: Bakes Tank custom cookies. Tank has been known to show up at her bakery window during sunrise, waiting.

• Harleigh Michaels: Rode Tank like a mechanical bull during the Outlaws holiday party. Tank has respected her ever since.

• Sam Crosby: Tries to train Tank for public appearances. Tank routinely ignores her unless snacks are involved.

• Frank McTavish: Shares old-school cowboy energy. They’ve been spotted watching sunset from the 50-yard line together. Probably grunting in agreement.

• Delilah Monroe: The only one who can get Tank to wear seasonal accessories without complaint.

• Gloria Vega (Planner): Threatened to "ban" Tank from the reception if he didn’t behave. Tank stared at her. She blinked first.

• Crash the Armadillo (Armadillos): Sparring partner. Lost a tail-wrestling match to Crash and hasn’t emotionally recovered.

🧨 MASCOT FEUD HISTORY

• Frostbite the Falcon (Falcons): Tank believes Frostbite stole his churro in 2017. Frostbite denies nothing. Feud remains “active war zone.”

• Scorch the Scorpion (Scorpions): Mutual loathing. Scorch once fire-glittered Tank's horns. Tank retaliated by sitting on Scorch’s golf cart.

• Crash the Armadillo (Armadillos): Friendly rivalry. Once competed in a mascot tug-of-war. Tank won. Barely.

🔥 MAYHEM INCIDENTS

• 2016 – Tank tackled an inflatable mascot tunnel. It wasn’t his.

• 2018 – Tank ate the entire Gatorade supply before kickoff. Team hydrated with slushies.

• 2021 – Got mic’d up. His breathing alone got 250K views on TikTok.

• 2023 – Headbutted a fan’s foam finger into the sky. It landed in section 312.

• 2024 – Crashed Dylan’s bridal shower. Sat in the corner eating finger sandwiches. Dylan let him stay.

🎤 TANK’S FAMOUS QUOTES (translated by Penalty Pete)

• “I don’t do tricks. I do touchdowns.”

• “If it’s not nailed down, I can eat it.”

• “The only thing more bull than me is that last holding call.”

• “Snacks are love. Flags are lies.”

🏟️ BATTLE RATINGS

Attribute Rating (Out of 10)

Crowd Roar Factor 10.0 (can spark a wave with a stomp)

Snack Detection 11.0 (can smell nachos from the parking lot)

Ref Intimidation 9.5 (most refs look away)

Hype Level 12.0 (has his own fan chants)

Chaos Control 3.0 (will always choose violence)

🐂 FINAL THOUGHTS

Tank isn’t just a mascot—he’s a legacy. A symbol of grit, glory, and game-day guts. He’s the Outlaws’ beating heart and stomping hooves. Whether he’s demolishing a cooler or offering a reluctant hug, Tank is family.