Mascot Mayhem Monday - Scorch

🦂 SCORCH THE SCORPION

Official Mascot of the San Antonio Scorpions (Baseball)
Alias: “The Desert Diva” | “Spicy Tail of Terror” | “Flamin’ Hands McGee” (don’t ask)

🔥 ORIGIN STORY

Born from the ashes of a sun-scorched outfield tarp and a vendor’s dropped jalapeño dog, Scorch didn’t crawl onto the scene—he sashayed. First spotted breakdancing on the dugout roof during a fireworks delay, Scorch immediately claimed the spotlight, knocked over a cheerleader with his tail, and high-fived a toddler mid-cartwheel.

The Scorpions signed him on the spot.

Local lore claims he emerged from the depths of the Sonoran desert, forged in fire and sarcasm. Most likely? He wandered in from a failed Vegas show and decided baseball offered better snacks.

🧬 BIO STATS

• Species: Mutant Desert Scorpion

• Height: 5’10” (6'7" with tail arched)

• Tail Length: Classified—also doubles as a jump rope

• Claws: Yes. Sharp. Manicured.

• Weight: “Enough to knock over second base and your ego”

• Theme Song: “Hot in Herre” by Nelly × “Toxic” by Britney Spears

• Zodiac Sign: Scorpio. Because, obviously.

• Chili Tolerance: Atomic. He once drank hot sauce on a dare from Grady Hollis and didn’t flinch.

🦂 SIGNATURE MOVES

• Tail Whip Twerk: No warning. High speed. May cause concussions.

• Flare Fling: Shoots glitter or flame confetti into the crowd. Got banned from three stadiums.

• Cactus Clap: A sarcastic slow clap with claws. Usually done after umpire mistakes. Or Grady errors.

• The Sting Slap: Fake smacks opposing mascots with his tail. Real bruises may occur.

🧨 MAYHEM REPORTS

• 2019 – Stole the ceremonial first pitch and threw it at the opposing manager.

• 2021 – Hot mic caught him whispering “Your ERA is trash” into a rival pitcher’s ear.

• 2022 – Accidentally set off the sprinkler system while attempting “Tail Flames Night.”

• 2023 – Started a conga line that broke into the press box.

• 2024 – Wrote “TRAITOR” in mustard on Beckett Foster’s cleats before his return from injury.

• 2025 – Snuck into the Scorpions’ post-game party disguised as a mariachi. Was not invited. Stayed anyway.

💋 WAG & PLAYER DYNAMICS

• Grady Hollis: Constantly yells at Scorch to “chill the hell out.” Scorch tail-taps him in retaliation every game.

• Sloane Whitaker: Tried to rebrand Scorch’s Instagram. Scorch hacked it and made it all scorpion thirst traps.

• Beckett Foster: They were friends. Then Scorch told a reporter Beckett was “emotionally constipated.” They’re in therapy now.

• Cam Wells: Created a wellness corner in the mascot locker. Scorch scorched it. On purpose.

• Miles Kade: Scorch is banned from post-op recovery zones. Why? Two words: glitter bomb.

• Dr. Sienna Fredrich: Declared Scorch a “walking OSHA violation.” He gave her a heart-shaped cactus the next day.

• Easton Rhodes: Once told Scorch he needed a better walk-up tail flick. Scorch took offense. Tail-flicked him in the back mid-pitch.

• Emery Dawson: Thinks Scorch is “extra.” Scorch now follows her around calling her “Mini Me.”

🐍 MASCOT FEUD HISTORY

• Tank the Longhorn: Mutual grudge. Tank once charged Scorch for stealing his thunder. Scorch retaliated with salsa in Tank’s water bucket.

• Frostbite the Falcon: Polar opposites. Scorch tried to melt Frostbite’s wings with a heat lamp. Frostbite brought dry ice to Scorch’s birthday party.

• Crash the Armadillo: Besties. Ride-or-die chaos gremlins. Frequently seen double-teaming security guards at charity events.

🎤 QUOTES THAT GOT HIM FINED

• “I bring the heat. You bring the weak sauce.”

• “Mascots aren’t supposed to talk? Tell that to my lawyer.”

• “This tail isn’t just for show. It’s for justice.”

• “Why yes, I did set the hot dog stand on fire. You're welcome.”

🔥 BATTLE RATINGS

Attribute Rating (Out of 10)

Tail Precision 9.7 (can flip a hat off from 20 ft away)

Sass Factor 11.0 (burns hotter than Texas pavement)

Dance Floor Heat 10.0 (backup dancer for Pitbull once)

Crowd Mischief 12.0 (has his own security detail)

Mascot Drama Index 15.0 (petty, fiery, iconic)

🦂 FINAL THOUGHTS

Scorch is drama incarnate. A diva in claws. A scorpion with no chill and a megawatt personality. He doesn’t just cheer for the Scorpions—he sets the vibe on fire, throws glitter on the haters, and tail-whips his way through life.

Need to file a Mascot Injury Report caused by Scorch? Use the Penalty Pete Submission Form. Pete will laugh. Scorch will autograph it.