📨 Fan Mail Friday 🐧

Pete’s got more mail. Unfortunately for the writers, he’s also got opinions.

📬 Letter #3:

Dear Penalty Pete,
My best friend is dating a guy from our rival hockey team. She's wearing his jersey now. How do I tell her she's lost her damn mind?
– Bleeding Blue, Barfing Red

🧨 Pete’s Reply:
Start by staging an intervention. Use visual aids. Maybe a slideshow titled:
“This Is Your Brain on Rivalry Betrayal.”
Bring tissues—for her, not you. You’ll be too busy dry-heaving from the fashion offense.
She’s not just wearing his jersey. She’s wearing shame.
Cut the tags. Burn it. Salt the ashes.
—Pete

📬 Letter #4:

Dear Pete,
My kid wants to grow up to be a mascot. Should I be worried?
– Concerned in Corpus

🧨 Pete’s Reply:
YES.
First off—how old is this kid and why are they already making questionable life decisions?
Second, being a mascot requires strength, unbridled rage, and the ability to do a backflip in a 40-pound foam suit while being heckled by drunk fans.
Third, I’m not saying it ruined my life…
…but I’ve been banned from 12 Denny’s and my therapist cries when I walk in.
So yeah. Maybe steer ‘em toward accounting.
—Pete

📬 Letter #5:

Dear Penalty Pete,
I wore a Scorpions hat to an Armadillos tailgate and got pelted with empanadas. Should I sue?
– Crusty but Conflicted

🧨 Pete’s Reply:
First off, you showed up in a totally different sports colors. That’s on you.
Second, if you’re getting hit with food at a Texas tailgate and it’s empanadas, not beer bottles, you should be grateful.
Those were gourmet insults.
You don’t sue. You take the L, eat the pastry, and rethink your life choices.
Also: send me one if it was brisket.
—Pete

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