Mascot Mayhem Monday - Crash
🛡️ CRASH THE ARMADILLO
Official Mascot of the San Antonio Armadillos (Rugby)
Nickname: “The Bulldozer of Hugs” | “Rolling Thunder” | “Crashzilla”
🌀 ORIGIN STORY
Crash didn’t appear. He barreled into existence during a pre-season scrimmage, rolling straight down the tunnel, smashing through the Gatorade table, and flattening an unsuspecting waterboy. Players thought it was a rogue mascot from another team. Nope. Crash had built his own costume out of spare shoulder pads and bubble wrap, demanded a job, and was immediately signed by Coach Maddox.
Some say he’s an escaped roller derby mascot. Others say he’s just a feral ball of love and violence who found purpose. Either way, the Armadillos would never be the same.
🧬 BIO STATS
Species: Possibly an armadillo. Definitely unhinged.
Height: 5’6” unrolled, 4’2” curled
Weight: “Heavy enough to dent the turf and your pride”
Shell Material: Polyfiber-steel-titanium… maybe also couch cushions
Tail: Used for lassoing rivals or spinning in circles
Theme Song: “Highway to Hell” × “Can’t Stop the Feeling” remix
Speed (Rolled): 22 mph in short bursts
Snack of Choice: Energy drinks and powdered donuts
Zodiac Sign: Aries, with a rising linebacker
💥 SIGNATURE MOVES
Shell Slam: Tucks, rolls, and body-checks mascots, interns, or unsuspecting fans into next week
The Hug of Destruction: Intense, bone-crushing, slightly sweaty. You feel loved and violated.
Spin Blitz: Spins rapidly like a death yo-yo. Results may include dizziness, grass burns, or mascot ejection
Crash Cannonball: Launches into inflatable obstacles and rival mascots for halftime showdowns. Often banned. Rarely stopped.
💣 MAYHEM REPORTS
2020 – Spontaneously joined a team scrum mid-game. Ref couldn’t tell he wasn’t a player.
2021 – Tasered (lightly) by security for stealing the opposing coach’s clipboard. Still smiling in the mugshot.
2022 – Crashed a bachelorette party in the stands. Took selfies. Ate cake. Proposed to the bride.
2023 – Beat Scorch in Mascot Roller Derby. Scorch hasn’t emotionally recovered.
2024 – Got stuck in a tuba during Marching Band Night. Played it off as performance art.
2025 – Tackled a streaker. Crowd gave him a standing ovation. Offered a contract by the mayor.
🧍♂️ PLAYER & WAG CONNECTIONS
Drew Callahan: Calls Crash his “unofficial emotional support linebacker.” They fist bump before every match.
Amelia ‘Millie’ James: Composed a rap verse for Crash’s entrance music. It went viral. Crash tried to eat the microphone.
Rhino Carter: Crash and Rhino once wrestled in a bounce house. It’s still considered a seismic event.
Eli Bannon: Claims Crash stole his protein bars. Crash winked.
Beau Macklin: Secretly teaches Crash dance routines. Denies everything.
Colin Reyes: Tried to prank Crash. Ended up duct-taped to a team cooler. Lesson learned.
Coach Maddox: Has stopped asking questions. Just tells staff to “strap Crash in and pray.”
🦴 MASCOT FEUD HISTORY
Tank the Longhorn: Both bet who could drag a sled farther. Crash won. Tank denies it. A silent, ongoing rivalry.
Frostbite the Falcon: Once challenged Crash to an obstacle course. Crash ate the obstacles. Frostbite walked off.
Scorch the Scorpion: Best friends. Co-chaos commanders. Can’t be left unsupervised together. Ever again.
💬 QUOTES HE'S YELLED THROUGH A MEGAPHONE
“HUGS ARE A CONTACT SPORT!”
“ROLL HARD OR ROLL HOME!”
“I CAME. I CRASHED. I CONQUERED.”
“IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO SECTION 115. OR JUST THROW SNACKS.”
🧨 BATTLE RATINGS
Attribute Rating (Out of 10)
Rolling Speed 10.0 (can clear midfield in 5 seconds)
Chaos Durability 12.0 (bounced off a goalpost and kept dancing)
Hug Impact 13.0 (certified bone-rattler)
Crowd Cuteness 9.5 (babies adore him, adults fear him)
Accident Frequency ∞ (he is the accident)
🛡️ FINAL THOUGHTS
Crash is love. Crash is war. Crash is the human(ish) embodiment of a rugby scrum, a sugar rush, and an overprotective golden retriever. He doesn’t just pump up the crowd—he body rolls through it, then offers you a hug and a donut.
