Fan Mail Friday

📬 Letter #13:
Dear Pete, is a linebacker the one who throws? My uncle says yes. Please help.
— Confused at the Cookout

🔥 Pete’s Reply:
Your uncle is wrong and should be banned from giving sports commentary until further notice. Linebackers tackle. They do not throw. Unless it's a tantrum.

📬 Letter #14:
Dear Pete, can mascots vote? My cousin says Frostbite wrote in Crash for mayor.
— Democratically Distressed

🔥 Pete’s Reply:
No. But if we could, I’d be President, Crash would be in charge of snacks, and Frostbite would definitely be running a cold war.

📬 Letter #15:
Dear Pete, what’s the difference between offsides and just being rude? Asking for my fantasy league.
— Rulebook Reject

🔥 Pete’s Reply:
Offsides is a penalty. Being rude is a lifestyle. But if you’re offsides and chewing with your mouth open? You deserve the ejection.

Got a question? A complaint? A delusion wrapped in glitter?
Send it to Ask Penalty Pete.
He’ll ruin your day. In the best way possible.

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Coaches Gone Wild: Tantrums, Tosses, and the Rage Scaleâ„¢