Fan Mail Friday

📬 Letter #4:
Dear Pete, my ex and I got matching mascot tattoos. We broke up. I want to get mine covered. Is a flaming penalty flag too much?
— Regretfully Inked

🔥 Pete’s Reply:
Too much? Babe, it’s not enough. Make it a full sleeve. Add a whistle. Maybe throw in a flaming foam finger flipping the bird. Regret is temporary. Petty ink is forever.

📬 Letter #5:
Dear Pete, my girlfriend left me because I picked her ex for my fantasy team. Valid?
— Strategically Single

🔥 Pete’s Reply:
Valid? Bro. You didn’t just pick a player. You picked pain. That’s like proposing with your ex’s playlist on shuffle. You better win that league. Otherwise? You lost everything for nothing.

📬 Letter #6:
Dear Pete, my boyfriend says mascots aren’t real athletes. I said neither is his bowling league. Now we’re in couples therapy.
— Wrestling in Fursuits and Feelings

🔥 Pete’s Reply:
I’d say you’re both right and both wrong, which is a beautiful place to build resentment. But I am a real athlete. Ever done a somersault in a 40-pound suit while being pelted with nachos? No? Sit down.

Got a question? A complaint? A delusion wrapped in glitter?
Send it to Ask Penalty Pete.
He’ll ruin your day. In the best way possible.