Pete’s Picks: Way-Too-Early NFL Predictions (Now With 300% More Spite)
Welcome back, degenerates.
Football season is approaching. I’ve been pacing, screaming at preseason highlight reels, and stress-eating nachos shaped like penalty flags.
So let’s do this. Let’s look deep into the soul of the NFL (and by soul, I mean crippling inconsistency and caffeine-fueled hype trains) and make some truly unhinged predictions.
🔥 1. The San Antonio Outlaws Will Explode—Literally or Figuratively
I’ve seen their offseason workouts. I’ve seen the WAG drama. I’ve seen Brett Thompson try to ice his knee with a frozen pizza.
This team is built different—and by different, I mean held together with pre-workout and prayer.
Will they dominate the field or start a fistfight during the coin toss? Yes.
Pete’s Pick:
Outlaws make playoffs… but lose to a team coached by a guy named "Big Randy."
🧊 2. The Jets Will Do Something Jet-Like
No matter who’s under center or what new sacred ritual their fanbase invents, the Jets will find a way to make you believe—and then trip over their own shoelaces mid-hype speech.
Pete’s Pick:
Aaron Rodgers gets abducted by UFOs, claims it improved his spiral.
💪 3. The 49ers Will Be Terrifying Again
This team doesn’t rebuild. It reloads. With tight ends built like Greek statues and a defense powered by pure hatred, they’ll leave cleat marks on everyone’s soul.
Pete’s Pick:
NFC Championship appearance, minimum. Emotional damage, maximum.
🤡 4. The Cowboys Will Start Strong, Then Spontaneously Combust
It’s tradition. It’s heritage. It’s mathematically inevitable.
They’ll look unbeatable in September, and by December, fans will be live-tweeting their descent into chaos while clinging to 1996 like it’s a warm blanket.
Pete’s Pick:
Divisional Round heartbreak, followed by Jerry Jones releasing a 6-part documentary titled “Almost.”
👀 5. Someone Unexpected Will Go Full Goblin Mode
Every year, there’s one team that no one sees coming. Last year, it was the Lions. This year?
Pete’s Sleeper Pick:
The Houston Texans. You heard me. They’re young, hungry, and way too confident for a team that used to get bullied by mascots.
🧠 Pete’s Gut Instinct Super Bowl Prediction (Subject to Mood Swings):
49ers vs. Ravens
Hard-hitting. Grit-filled. Zero chill.
It’ll be violent, dramatic, and someone’s helmet will fly off in slow motion while I scream in the background like a divorced dad at a Little League game.
Winner:
Ravens by 3.
Most unhinged moment:
John Harbaugh gets flagged for throwing his headset into a nacho tray.
🐧 Final Thoughts from the Birdbrain:
I could be wrong. I could be right. Or I could be watching this all unfold while eating a tub of expired stadium popcorn in a mascot costume that smells like despair.
Football is chaos. Pete is chaos. Together? We’re unstoppable.
Stay tuned, stay loud, and remember: if you're not yelling at a ref by Week 2, are you even trying?
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