Fan Mail Friday

📬 Letter #1:
Dear Pete, my cousin lit fireworks in the team parking lot and singed off Tank’s eyebrows. Is he banned from the tailgate or promoted to legend?
— Boom Goes the Mascot

🔥 Pete’s Reply:
Promoted. Immediately. Not for the fire hazard, but for giving Tank the only real makeover he’s ever had. Next year? Eyebrow stencils and flame-retardant foam. Until then, your cousin is banned from fire... but welcomed to every chaos corner of my heart.

📬 Letter #2:
Dear Pete, I skipped my girlfriend’s BBQ to watch the doubleheader. Now she’s grilling me. Help.
— Charred and Confused

🔥 Pete’s Reply:
Bold move. Risky play. Legendary stupidity. Unless the BBQ was serving playoff-level brisket, you fumbled harder than a rookie with butterfingers. Bring flowers, a new brisket, and an apology written in meat rub.

📬 Letter #3:
Dear Pete, a bald eagle landed on our mascot during the anthem. Divine sign or federal offense?
— Feathered and Afraid

🔥 Pete’s Reply:
Both. That eagle either crowned your mascot a patriot king or was targeting him for crimes against fashion. Either way? That bird has better instincts than your offensive line.

Got a question? A complaint? A delusion wrapped in glitter?
Send it to Ask Penalty Pete.
He’ll ruin your day. In the best way possible.