📬 FAN MAIL FRIDAY

Hot takes. Bad advice. Zero apologies.

📬 Letter 9:

Dear Penalty Pete,
My boyfriend said mascots are "just overgrown furries with ego issues." Should I break up with him or just hide his car keys before game day?
– Mascot Defender & Mildly Unhinged

🧨 Pete’s Reply:
Break up. Immediately.
He insulted an entire sacred order of foam-suited legends. That’s like walking into church and calling the priest “a cosplay Gandalf.”
You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Hide his keys and leave his jersey in the freezer. With a note that says:
"Enjoy the cold shoulder. Signed, every mascot you disrespected."
—Pete

📬 Letter #10:

Dear Pete,
My sister wore glitter heels to a tailgate. I told her it was a turf violation. She told me to "eat a jalapeño and cry about it."
Who’s right?
– Fashion Policing in Flip-Flops

🧨 Pete’s Reply:
First of all:
Your sister? Icon.
You? Bitter in cargo shorts.
If she can strut across gravel in heels hotter than your team’s playoff run, let her. Tailgates are warzones and runways.
And FYI? Jalapeños don’t make me cry.
They fuel me.
—Pete

📬 Letter #11:

Dear Penalty Pete,
My friend uses the phrase “sportsball” unironically and keeps asking what “icing” means. We’re 30.
What do I do?
– Trapped in Casual Fan Purgatory

🧨 Pete’s Reply:
Oh honey.
That’s not a friend. That’s a walking Buzzfeed quiz from 2014.
You have two options:

1. Gently educate them with diagrams, clips, and mild judgment.

2. Or dramatically gasp every time they say “sportsball” like they insulted your grandma.
   Either way, start the healing. Before they ask if a touchdown is the same as a home run.
   —Pete

🧨 Got a burning question? A dumb one? An emotional crisis involving foam claws or glitter pom-poms?
Penalty Pete is here for you.
(But also not.)

Submit your pain to Ask Penalty Pete. He’ll answer with caffeine, sarcasm, and zero therapy training.